EtiquetteDog.com

My 211-lb Life

2012-05-17T23:31:12Z

     So I'm watching reruns of TLC's fascinating series, "My 600-lb Life." It is riveting and so inspiring to me. It reminds me of how great I feel that I am down about 70 pounds down from my all-time high of 211 in 2007. When I first hit my goal weight of 135, I wanted to see how far down I could go, just because for the first time in my life I felt in control and able to go for it. I got down to 126 for a week or so. That was 85 pounds. A weight loss of 85 pounds--in my entire life, I never dared dream I could really do it.
     Since then, it's been an up-and-down maintenance roller coaster, holding on to not gaining more than 15 pounds from my firm goal of 135. Three years since hitting that goal, I am about 8 pounds away from it, and I'm finding things a bit easier to manage (at last!), and I think it's because I have completely eliminated sugar.
     I had to do this when I was horribly sick from a virus that attacked my liver in January and February. I was constantly nauseated and so terribly ill some days, I wondered if I'd have to go to the hospital. After being reminded that "sugar feeds a virus" by a friend who's had to deal with her son's viral infections, I just stayed away from it. And I'm on the verge of astonishment that it seems to be making a tremendous difference for me. I don't miss it. I avoid high-carbohydrate stuff, too, since carbs turn to sugar in the body (although I do indulge in air-popped popcorn in the evening). I'm finding I don't have to be so draconian with my portions and restrictions. I'm rather delighted that the advice of Dr. James Surrell in his book, SOS (Stop only Sugar) Diet, has proven to be true: it's sugar that is the major source of all the weight problems.
     But back to "My 600-lb Life": I am inspired by these people whose lives have gotten so out of control that their lives are consumed by what they consume. I was never that big, of course, but the feelings about being fat are the same. I felt alone, unable to stop eating, utterly self-loathing, thoroughly discouraged, always saying, "I give up." I know the frustrations of trying to maintain, of avoiding what I simply cannot--must not--eat, of feeling the unfairness that my body is so different from everyone else's but also aware I'm the one who messed it up. Every sensor is broken, and Dr. Barbara Berkeley, on her blog and in her book of the same name, "Refuse to Regain," has explained how we who have been significantly overweight most of our lives have ruined the normal processes of our bodies. We really are different. We can eat the same things as a person of normal weight, and the normal person will not gain weight and we will gain 5 pounds. What all the weight loss and maintenance websites say are the calories I can consume daily to maintain my weight are way too much for me. I'll gain weight if I consume that many calories.
     There is an experience that those who have lost hundreds of pounds share to which I certainly cannot relate, but I do know what it feels like to be way overweight--clinically obese--and feel a complete misfit, unattractive, depressed, and without hope. Watching these brave people do whatever it takes to get their bodies under control is a reminder to me of how much I want to stay here.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Snorting Draincleaner

2012-04-29T18:01:46Z

     I guess everyone has seen the reports on television of the latest getting-high craze amongst the young: ingesting hand sanitizer, distilling it for the alcohol with instructions found on YouTube, or simply pumping it into the mouth and swallowing. Emergency rooms are seeing increased numbers of the young and incredibly stupid showing up with hand sanitizer (which is about 70% ethyl alcohol) in their systems. Some are dying from alcohol poisoning.
     Why? Why is this generation so desperate to be impaired? I'm referring to the generation of time of the past 40 or 50 years. Everything from glue to paint to insane chemical combinations are being injected and inhaled. In this day, when it is so obvious that things like this can kill or permanently brain damage, what is the appeal? What is the draw to see if rat poison in the right amount could send one to nirvana? Since the introduction of recreational drugs by my own foolish, arrogant Baby Boom generation that threw off restraint and thought "turn on/tune in/drop out" was a good idea, the resulting generational cohorts have delved further and further into altering mental states. For what?
     Is life fully lived, fully experienced without filters, such a horrible prospect? When I was in high school, I wanted to experience everything "to the max," as we used to say, and I even crazily refused to put ketchup on my McDonald's french fries because I wanted to taste the complete, delicious flavor of the potato. What is the desperate spiritual state of young people today who are so lost, so incomprehensibly dull, that they will open up the cabinet beneath the sink and wonder to themselves if snorting draincleaner might be a good high? They have nothing with which to fill the void.
     Don't tell me this is the way kids are and this is how it's always been. It is not. It is not. Do not dismiss this as youthful indiscretion. This is serious tragedy. Do they hate themselves? Do they hate life? Why are they fighting to die? This is serious spiritual desolation.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

We Have a Responsibility

2012-04-26T20:09:51Z

     We hear it again and again from the spokespersons for companies caught doing unscrupulous-but-not-technically-illegal things, or that have been found to be supporting some nefarious activity. When put on the spot for an explanation, or attempting to weasel out of righting a wrong, the PR guy will say, "We have a responsibility to our shareholders."
     What is that responsibility? To keep making shareholders money no matter how they go about doing it? Certainly some shareholders will not care how money is made, but many others would object to sweatshop labor, deceit, funds diverted to brutal dictators, moral depravity, and characterless behavior.
     Why isn't there a responsibility to do what is right? A responsibility to avoid evil and wrongdoing? Why is there only a responsibility to make money? Is there a responsibility to make money no matter how it's done? Is there a responsibility to make money by selling weapons to terrorists, or by hooking up with Communist governments? Is there a responsibility to make money by polluting rivers or selling children into slavery? Where does it end?
     Where is the responsibility to goodness and truth? Is there only a responsibility to money?
     It's all slippery, lying, weaseling spin. I have a responsibility to say so.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Talking Down

2012-04-12T16:54:11Z

      I am very aware that my personality leans toward the get-it-done, get-out-of-my-way, let's-move locomotive activity. We who are of this temperament often unwittingly--and I sincerely mean that we don't realize it--speak to people in ways that are perceived as arrogant or unnecessarily instructive, sending the message we think we have to slowly repeat ourselves to the less-than-bright intellect.
      It's not intentional. It's not! It is the result of a brain on fire to accomplish. I can hear myself doing it sometimes and can quickly adjust, but sometimes I simply assume that others know me and know I don't mean to offend.
      Some with this proclivity cannot hear themselves. They can't see their tendencies. They are caught up in the world in their heads and simply don't see the effect they're having on those with whom they live, work, and play. That happens. It's understandable. Often, their communications simply are arrogant and dismissive, because in their world, they are more together than you or I. In this case, their weakness becomes an offense.
      My mouth (and my pen) have gotten me into a lot of trouble. When I am not vigilantly on top of the ways I can perceived, I really screw things up. I hope I'm getting better. I think I am having to apologize less than I used to.
     I was just "talked down" to by someone, and I realize how it can pinch. Sometimes it's just best to step away and let such a person figure out what they did. If they don't eventually figure it out, well . . . if they're humble, you can speak to them about it. If not, let it go. And to all of you I've offended with my talking down--please forgive me. It is not in my heart to deliberately offend.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Downton Abbey Virtues

2012-02-13T20:27:07Z

Wherein Lord Grantham does not take advantage of young housemaid Jane because, as he tells her, it is unfair to her, not to mention morally wrong, and he practices self-regulation.

Like millions, apparently, who are besotted with the rarified world of Robert and Cora Crawley, their family, their house staff, their relatives, and their acquaintances, I'm glued to the television set on Sunday nights to watch the PBS Masterpiece Classic "Downton Abbey." The sets are jaw-dropping, the clothes are exquisite, and the plot is pure high-brow soap opera. It's a palm-rubbing delight!

I was struck by the emotional subtext of last night's episode (the 6th in Season 2) surrounding Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, head of Downtown Abbey, and his attraction to a young war widow recently hired on as a maid. Lord Grantham is feeling disconnected, out of place and time, ignored, and useless, and his lovely wife is busy with other things. He's been finding Cora's opinions and ideas tedious. He's angry. He is lonely.

Impressed by Jane, whose husband perished on the killing fields of World War I, Robert is sympathetic to her sacrifice and finds himself drawn to her, and when she indicates her infatuation with him, he pulls her into his room and is nearly about to do the dirty deed when there's a knock at the door. It's just his valet, Mr. Bates, asking when he'd like to be awakened in the morning, but it's enough to break the spell of the British version of animal heat. Robert tells Jane that as much as he is attracted to her, as much as he wishes to give in to his desires, it would put her in an impossible position. "I wish everything were different," he tells her, and he makes her leave. For once--a scene in which the one with power did not exert said power over the helpless and less thoughtful servant.

I'm thrilled that the writer and producers of "Downton Abbey" do their best to portray the conventional mores of the period (unlike James Cameron's utter disregard for them in his 1997 blockbuster, "Titanic"). Yes, Robert's daughter Mary is quite the entitled little tart, flaunting propriety in her dalliance with that foreign man who died in her bed, but look at the lengths she's going to keep it under wraps! And poor, arrogant, dimwitted Ethel, the maid who flung caution to the wind for one night with a soldier and is paying for it dearly now--Mrs. Hughes dishes out real compassion with real truth in telling her, "You're not respectable now. That's the real world." One just didn't broadcast one's inability to control passions in that time and that culture.

We don't think today, or don't care, that our actions will have consequences; if not for us personally, certainly for others. The woman who has an affair with her married boss may unwittingly set into motion a nasty divorce that affects children who never get over it and ruin their own lives in sordid ways, in turn damaging their children. But she doesn't have to think about that, says conventional wisdom (wisdom?); consenting adults should do as they please. You've got to do what feels right for you, we're told, so men and women see no value in practicing self-control, in reminding themselves they are not driven by instinct like feral cats but can, in fact, decide to do what is right even when everything in them wants to do wrong. And we wonder why our lives are so out of control.

Hip, hip, Lord Grantham. Splendid, my man. You done right, Robert.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

You are so fat!

2012-01-17T05:20:02Z

     I cannot remember the name of the comedienne, but a VERY funny woman from Texas I remember hearing many years ago commented on how Texan women could say the rudest things while sounding as though they were delightfully enthusiastic. She demonstrated by placing her hand on her hip and smiling as she exclaimed, in her widest drawl, as though addressing someone she found fascinating, "You are SO fay-at!"
     I've grown up with the "you are so fat" refrain in my head, and not in the funny, unconsciously rude manner this performer parodied. No, in my life it was my mother's semi-constant whine: "Oh, HONEY," she'd say in exasperation and something between disgust and frustration, "you are so FAT." I can remember her saying this to me when I was, oh, 9 years old--maybe 8. "Look at you! You're so FAT." The emphasis would always be on that contemptible word, fat, as though it represented the sum total of all that could be wrong with life.
     I heard it so often throughout my days I can't shake it, even though my mother has been gone for 15 years. A few years ago, I was finally able to lose 80 pounds, and while I know that I weigh far less than I've ever weighed in my adult life (in fact, I've never been this weight, not since I was about 12), I can feel the dark evil of a state of FAT the moment a few pounds creeps up. It can be the source of a terrible self-loathing that keeps me from looking in mirrors, that has me gauging the rolls on my midsection by touch and deciphering how much I weigh without getting on a scale (because I wouldn't be able to handle what I saw) but by pulling on different pairs of jeans that tell me where I fall in my fluctuating weight spectrum. It can have me sobbing when feeling exercise clothes a bit too tight or heading for a nap to escape the deep depression of worthlessness.
     The sad-but-true fact is that even though I wear a size 4, and struggle without end to prevent myself from sliding into a size 6, I feel FAT. I know cognitively this is ridiculous, foolish, downright clinically worrisome, but I can feel like an enormous cow, like I used to at any point in my life where my mother's words would rise up and anoint me a failure because even though I could have lasting friendships and a love for learning, even though I might excel at public speaking and have a gloriously satisfying marriage, I was still . . . so . . . FAT. Today, I can stand in front of a mirror and see that I look pretty good . . . well, I look kind of good, but when I walk away, that internal image, forged in the misfit-y inadequacies and self-consciousness of childhood, projects itself brightly and I feel huge, as big as when I weighed greater than 200 pounds. I turn sideways down aisles and try on clothes that I am certain are way too small until I pull them over my head and look in the mirror with astonishment at their perfect fit. I see the reflection and say with surprise and relief, "Oh! You look okay after all!"
     It's a real curse, one passed on to me by a mother obsessed with weight. I don't know why, precisely; she was rail thin when she was young and hated it, was mocked by schoolmates. In the years prior to her death, she grew quite large herself due to medications and a completely undisciplined diet. But she could never comment on my looks with pure, unfeigned appreciation. She'd always add, "If only you weren't so FAT." She couldn't believe my husband wanted to marry me. She couldn't understand why people liked me so much. "Really? The audience thought you were good? Did anyone comment on your weight?"
     She didn't mean to do it. It was some sort of fear she had about how things would go for me if I had certain obstacles. What's interesting is that when I look back at photos of myself at 8, 10, 14 years old--I looked just fine. I don't see FAT there at all; just a girl. Who was she comparing me to?
     I'd love to be free of it. I don't know how to rid myself of it. I've totally forgiven my mom for what I know was something she thought she was doing out of love, but I can't begin to tell you how it overwhelms me with grief during times when I need all the internal resources I can muster. Should she have talked to me about my weight? Of course! But to link my worth and my talents to the size on the label has hobbled me. When I'm battling with my reluctant body and the pounds are creeping up, I practically need medication to prevent a breakdown. Honestly, sometimes it wears me out. One thing I know for sure is that parents can pass on messages that will lodge in an interior crawlspace in the brain and never be flushed out. Consider what you're communicating in your words and in what you're modeling.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Defender of Lost Causes

2012-01-03T02:38:19Z

Two books that appeal to me greatly (for obvious reasons) are Tim Gunn's Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons for Making it Work, and Clinton Kelly's Freakin Fabulous: How to Dress, Speak, Behave, Eat, Drink, Entertain, Decorate, and Generally Be Better than Everyone Else. Both are insanely funny, and I find funny people to be super-smart, and they are both made crazy by the complete lack of concern in today's American society for civility, decorum, deportment, respect, speaking well, managing perceptions, simple good manners, and . . . caring. Caring about things that used to matter, such as the aforementioned list. Caring for what's missing. I call it character, although the outward appearance of character is easy to fake. The thing is: if you don't have it, please, go ahead and fake it. It just makes social interaction more pleasant all the way around. If you don't even know how to fake it well, these books will help.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Respect Trumps Everything

2011-12-16T05:02:07Z

     I don't care how much you detest someone's life choices, or what you think of their clothing, or if you can't stand their table manners. For goodness' sake, be respectful. You can keep your thoughts to yourself. You can maintain an attitude of respect even if someone doesn't smell good. You can be kind to someone who's lifestyle you find odious.
   What is it with people who feel they have to express their personal feelings about someone's stuff? Since when is that required? Jerks who are rude to women in hijabs, who recoil from those who differ in politics, who act like smokers or gays or the obese are beneath simple human courtesy are just a scourge on this society, and the most glaring indication of a culture without conscience.
      I don't deny that some people can really push my buttons, especially when they press themselves on me and demand I not only accept and celebrate their choices, but love them for it. For me, whether or not I love you is not going to have anything to do with your actions; it's a decision I make. But here's the thing: even if I decide not to love you, I can still be respectful in simple interactions. That's my goal. I acknowledge I'm not always successful, but it is my goal.
     A room full of left-wingers and right-wingers can treat each other courteously. It is possible. It is entirely doable for people who have strong personal feelings about homosexuality to work companionably with gay men and women, because there's no requirement that we wear our opinions like a big sign for everyone to read. Get over your need to establish with others where you stand on the way they think or live. I won't turn up my nose at your excessive eating habits if you'll keep quiet about how much you hate Christians. Let's just treat each other with civility. That's how civilizations of different kinds of people have always thrived.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

What mother would say

2011-12-01T19:40:58Z

Just seen on Facebook: "Never email anyone anything you wouldn't want your mother to see. Never email anything with content about a third party you wouldn't want that third party to read. What happens on the Internet stays . . . "

I will add: Never post anything anywhere you wouldn't want someone--anyone--to see or read, whether an enemy, an employer, a potential client, an old friend, a coworker. Stop posting rabid political opinions on social networking sites if someone important to you who holds opposing views might see it and think twice about you in some significant capacity. (Is it really absolutely necessary that everyone know your political views at any given moment?) Don't post a stupid party photo of yourself on LinkedIn, where employers check out your professional qualifications; as well, don't insert your favorite blog or fan site or Facebook page as your "Personal Website" on LinkedIn.

Don't engage with idiots in the idiotic, I-have-too-much-time-on-my-hands-and-spend-all-my-hours-commenting-on-blog-posts, quarreling, inane fighting comments on a blog. Don't get drunk and cuss out your family members on Facebook; even in writing, it's obvious you're plastered. As well, don't start a family or friend feud on FB--why on earth do you want everyone to see your sad, childlike, unaware, impaired baiting of perceived enemies for whom most of your list of friends care not one little bit?

An aphorism widely attributed to Abraham Lincoln, but which was more likely Samuel Butler: "Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." Force yourself to stop and wait before you hit "enter." Give it an hour, or maybe a day. How about just disciplining yourself not to send a nasty response or start an incendiary thread? Be wise. It's so rare these days.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Can I blame it on the culture?

2011-11-30T00:17:06Z

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and as we talked about the things of which I speak to audiences and the issues that ignite my passions, he remarked that while he agreed wholeheartedly with what I was saying, as a business executive, a "black-and-white-guy," he had to ask himself if what I had to offer was worth paying for. I responded that the black-and-white considerations occur when character fails on the job so spectacularly that it gets a company sued. "The first time your controller gets stupid drunk at a company function and dances on the banquet table while making insulting sexual comments to your female clients, you will suddenly find the kind of training I do and the question I encourage people to address is suddenly very important indeed," I said. That question is: does character matter? And here are more relevant questions: does respect for others keep a company running? Does a workforce that knows its worth, understands each other's personalities, can adjust to meet clients and customers individually, and manages with integrity as a high priority make money or lose it? Do people who know how to act professionally and with a perspective of what is right and wrong and appropriate build a company or tear it down? All it takes is one egregious, uncivil incident to destroy an organization's reputation and send it to the poorhouse with legal costs that could have been avoided if someone in charge had realized that, oh yes, this is a black-and-white issue.

I care about this stuff, and it matters. The way we present ourselves matters, not just in outward appearances, but from the inside, where we make decisions to behave according to moral and ethical principles or not. How we "see" each other and respond to the specifics of personality and expression can make all the difference in the way executives, supervisors, and even the lowliest line workers interact with one another. Morale can be fabulous or it can be crap. Employees can stay for years, engaged and excited, or they can stay for years angry, bored, and sabotaging all success, or they can just leave in droves, costing enormous amounts in hiring and training.

This executive went on in our conversation to tell me of the owners of his company, who routinely get sloshed at functions and encourage the female employees to dress something like the servers at Hooters--and this is a firm that supplies products to corporate offices. "If the guys at the top won't get on board with it," he said, "it will never stick." And while that is certainly true, it's also true that, as with his division, any true leader who cares about this stuff can affect his or her corner of the organization. He leads his team with the utmost civility, encourages them to be the most professional in the company, and teaches his staff to treat customers and coworkers with respect. (I suspect his career in the military has much to do with the way he expresses his values.) He and his staff are highly respected and clearly out ahead of much of the rest of the organization. He obviously considers it a black-and-white thing, even if he doesn't consciously see the immediate value.

I told my husband of my lunch with my executive friend, and how I felt that I am somehow not able to show people that what I've got to say, train, and coach others in can save them dollars and increase their value, their ability to interact intelligently and professionally, and thus create a reputation of quality. I need to find some other work to bring in funds for a while, because I feel like I need to work more to refine and clarify how I position myself. We discussed the economy and how people don't want to spend money on "soft" issues during tough times, but my wise husband commented, "Remember this: part of the reason could be that you are talking about character in a world that doesn't care much about it at all."

Is that true? Maybe. I think lots of people care but think it can't be taught or reinforced or encouraged. I believe it can. I think it's more than just opinion or cultural context or back-in-the-day-when-we-were-taught-differently. I think it can be concrete and verifiable as adding to what makes people live thoughtfully and well, to what makes organizations run beautifully and adds loads to the bottom line. I agree with Neal Mayerson, the director of the VIA Institute on Character, when he says, "The time has come to dedicate a serious scientific effort to map the complex terrain of human character--those aspects of human personality that account for us being our best selves and living our best lives." Read his further comments here at a Discovery blog, and pardon me while I start looking for work to subsidize my passion.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

My Pentecostal pals will like this one

2011-11-29T23:46:06Z

I recorded some of the many stories my 92 year-old uncle, a true West Virginia mountain man, has inside of him while visiting family over the Thanksgiving holiday. When I asked him some of the things he and his friends did for entertainment, he mentioned going to church--specifically, to see the "holy rollers."

"Tell me about it!" I said, and he drew back, responding, "Oh no--it's nasty." I asked him why, and he said it was filled with sex--and upon further inquiry, he revealed that he and his friends went to see the women go into vigorous, ecstatic swoons that threw their dresses up over their heads.

If you grew up in a tongues-talking church, you'll know why he can still "quote" the words the faithful used over and over. Click to hear what he heard when they spoke in tongues.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

What's the answer?

2011-11-13T14:13:01Z

"Greek philosophy had failed at the point of producing people of practical power and wisdom who could govern and be governed. It simply had no workable answer to the question of how this could be done. The same inability of classical civilization to produce sufficient people capable of serving as the foundation of good government destroyed the Roman Empire. Early in human development, races of people are sufficiently under the duress of real needs to exalt the virtues that can make them strong. But after they become strong they have no sustaining principle that will allow the further development of virtue to maintain their society. They lack the tension adequate to maintain character in their citizens. No stable society can, therefore, be long maintained if it is prosperous. A transcendental principle and tension is
lacking . . .

"It is all very well to speak, with Thomas Jefferson, of 'an aristocracy of virtue and talent' that can serve as the backbone of a society and make decent and free government possible. It is quite another to produce such people in sufficient number."

Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Dress for Work on Monday

2011-11-11T19:12:29Z

Traci Lynn, the founder and president of Traci Lynn Jewelry and an entrepreneur with an inner fire to achieve, provides an interesting bit of information about the beginnings of her corporate career when she worked for Vanguard as an investment advisor. I was interviewing her for my "Your Character is Showing" series, and we were discussing the strengths that have motivated her. She had the drive and the talent to succeed at Vanguard, but someone took her aside to tell her she didn't look the part, and it made all the difference.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

We Just Can't Help It

2011-11-08T19:45:16Z

You're going to be judged on your appearance, the way you express your personality, your use of language, your manners--especially when you're being interviewed for a job or you're seeking a promotion. Anytime you want something from someone, you've got to adjust to their perceptions. Don't fight what comes naturally to human beings--work with it. Give a listen to how I explained this to a group of job seekers.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

But he was such a success

2011-11-02T18:07:42Z

     I wrote in my most recent newsletter that Steve Jobs was a horrible man. I acknowledge that he was a complex person with what were surely likeable qualities, and there were people who worked with him and for him who sincerely loved him, not the least because he forced them to "think different." Being a veritable bundle of contradictions seems par for the course for a lot of geniuses. It's not required, but when you know you're something special and you run with that to the exclusion of all else, your failings and inconsistencies are going to be glaringly identifiable.
     But I contend Jobs was a horrible, character-less person. Walter Isaacson's biography details some of his horribleness, while showcasing the obvious stratospheric talents and leadership that gave the world such original, ingenious gifts.
     My comment offended someone who angrily wrote me that the flaws of which I wrote were "gossip" and that I was mean-spirited. Okay. Whatever. But here's the thing: we worship success in this culture. We think that being genius-level innovative, creative, and visionary cancels out the need for any attention to the deeper human issues, or that being the kind of leader who gets things done (whether or not people like the things that are done) should demand that we disregard that person is one who would walk away from a drowning victim without calling the police, treat women like sex toys, and help a relative avoid a rape conviction (yeah, that would be Ted Kennedy). Once they're dead, they're feted as though no one else on the planet was as smart, as astonishing, as valuable to humanity as they. Yes, this is true of countless numbers of people--again, I get that humans are complex. Horrible people can do marvelous things. I hear John Gotti was a wonderful family man.
     But we act like no one else would ever have come up with the ideas or plans these men and women accomplished. I fully agree they're one of a kind, fascinating (sometimes morbidly), complicated. Perhaps in some cases, I'll be tempted to join in singing their praises in spite of their dearth of integrity, but I hope not. There are plenty of gifted, astonishingly brilliant people who know how to treat others, who exhibit an adherence to moral and ethical principles and the values of kindness and generosity.
    In 1940, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, no slouch in the visionary and genius department, wrote: "The world will allow itself to be subdued only by success. It is not ideas or opinions which decide, but deeds. Success alone justifies wrongs done . . . With a frankness and off-handedness which no other earthly power could permit itself, history appeals in its own cause to the dictum that the end justifies the means." Bonhoeffer, who was executed for his role in the plot to kill Hitler, followed a deep, personal belief that the road to the ends will most certainly be judged by the means. In fact, the ends may mean nothing at all because of the means by which they were accomplished.
     So I stand by my remarks in my newsletter. I don't want to work for people like Steve Jobs. If I have a choice, I want to avoid men and women who behave as he did. I'm sure there's an app that will help me do that.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Gain favor like a dog

2011-10-18T15:47:04Z

I saw a documentary on television last night about dogs, and how domestication has changed the genetic makeup of the dog. They are not simply domesticated wolves; they're in an entirely different class. Siting the studies of a Russian scientist and her work with domesticating foxes (which I read about in National Geographic some months ago), what researchers know is that as the generations are acclimated to life with humans, their shapes change, their coats change, their tails shorten, their ears begin to flop--and, astonishingly, they begin to take on the characteristics of babies. And also what researchers know is that humans have a genetic predisposition to a maternal instinct, or nurturing instinct, that is triggered just by the sight of a baby's face. So we respond in largely the same way to a dog with a cute face. This means that, in some mysterious, glorious way, in its journey to living with humanity, the dog figured out how to get us to respond in ways that would make us want to care for it. In turn, dogs bring us unending joy.

I tell my audiences this all the time--don't be angry that you're judged on appearance first. It's a biological, evolutionary, genetic thing humans have. We can't help it. Our ancient ancestors looked out across the tundra and had to instantly put together visual information to tell them if that Neanderthal coming toward them was friend or foe. They had to look at that wolf that approached the cave and detect the visual clues that indicated this wolf wouldn't be as aggressive as the other wolves. It's part of who we are. The great thing is that, as humans, we also have the power of reason, and we can rise above an initial impression of appearance. But how much better when we enter into a situation where we want to be perceived favorably and our appearance is appealing and appropriate and in context--because that hurdle is thus immediately put aside and now the person whose favor you're seeking can enter in to find out what it is you have to offer. It's evolutionary, Dear Watson.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

No, not that

2011-10-10T00:40:17Z

I just saw an ad on television for a vibrator. A VIBRATOR. By Trojan, the condom manufacturer. AN AD ON TELEVISION FOR A VIBRATOR.

We are already inundated with ads for bladder control medication, toilet paper that won't stick to one's butt (is that an honest-to-God issue?), probiotic yogurt hawked by Jamie Lee Curtis as promoting regularity, "male enhancement" supplements hawked by Jerry Johnson, not to mention the already-constant stupid beer commercials (as well as GoDaddy's) that objectify women and the vulgar Axe deodorant ads . . . and now an ad for a vibrator.

How do I get on the train to Willoughby?

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

The sexualization of everything

2011-09-29T19:24:57Z

I must rant, because that’s what blogs allow one to do. I’m tired of the sexualization of everything, absolutely everything. It’s fun to be sexy and feel desirable, but that’s not what I’m talking about. We should all feel good about ourselves (if we’ve got something to feel good about), look our best, show qualities that attract others in positive ways. That’s natural, normal, and part of life.

What I’m talking about is the constant, never-ending, ubiquitous tsunami of sexualized story lines, songs, television shows, celebrities, advertising, fashion, discussions, expectations, and relationships. There’s so much of it, it wears me out. Every comedy must have a reference that entails using the words “vagina” or “penis,” as though this is so risqué, so hilarious! Forget how frequently television writers now insert the phrase “son of a bitch”; the way to show how engaged, how hip, how real a sitcom is means referring to sex, sexual practices, sexual toys, sexual partners, and everything sexual. My favorite television shows are ruined by characters who have sex with someone they’ve just met, or move in with someone they’ve just met, or give away everything that is decent and intimate about themselves to someone they barely know, as though there is nothing unusual about this. Episodes where they can barely wait to get their clothes off with someone whose acquaintance they’ve just made happen early on, and I am so disappointed in writing that initially seemed thoughtful, because in real life, witless behavior like that sets a person up for heartache and loss, not to mention a mess no one in their right mind would want to bring on, such as stalking or theft or harm to children or other criminal activity.

Every celebrity (especially female, of course) must pose sexually for photographs, must show you how sexually they can dress, because modesty is stupid, it has no value, there’s nothing special about it. Really? I find the sexualization of everything old, worn out, used up. There’s nothing fresh about it, nothing exciting. At one time, when it was all so new and provocative and titillating because it was not common, it turned heads. Now it's everywhere, and the people who use it are all the same, doing and wearing and talking the same. It's not interesting, it's not intriguing, it's not new, it means very little. Talent should get people noticed, and often it still does, but they keep themselves being noticed with their sexuality. They love to tell of how crazy they are, how out-there they can be, how they “push the envelope.” Really? Is there an envelope anymore? Since there are no boundaries—and that’s what everyone craves, no boundaries—there’s nothing to push beyond, so what makes them so special? Rihanna sings, “I may be bad, but I’m really good at it . . . Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me . . . “ Oh, yawn. You and everybody else. You and every other celebrity who does the same dance moves and the same sexual music videos and talks about the same tired old sexual escapades and shows how free and sexually liberated they are--not like those dumb people who think that intimacy should be intimate and dignity counts and no one has to respond to sexual stirrings like some kind of dog who can’t control itself. I’m supposed to respect how fabulous you are? “Celebusluts” is what one commentator calls these entertainers, admired as though they have the answer to something. I’m supposed to think they’re cutting edge, that they’re special? They are lemmings, all of them doing and saying and singing and dancing the same things, stuffing their sexualization down our throats until we’re vomiting, and then asking if it turns us on. It never ends. I’m supposed to think those twisted mothers on that tiaras-and-whatever-baby-girl-pageant television show are doing a good thing by dressing their children like pouty runway models? I’m supposed to think “Teen Mom” is cool, fabulous, golly-that's-just-the-way-things-are, kids-will-do-that-kind-of-thing? Kids will do that kind of thing because no one tells them that all that sexualized living leads to nothing real, nothing of substance, nothing lasting. (I can't stand to watch "Glee" for this reason, as though sex is all just fun and funny and oh, so insignificant.) They don’t know what plain old honest passion feels like, because they’ve been told that dressing like a sexual toy and feeling over-the-top-crazed-sexy-pulling-off-your-clothes-and-sweating-in-the-throes-of-passion is what counts, that it's real and immediate and has value, but now they’re stuck with reality and a child will suffer because it wasn't real, it was a lie, it was momentary, it's immediate but not lasting. It’s like some kind of mania that we are infected with, and it’s so boring, so old, so done. Push your sexuality and I think there's probably not much behind it. It's value-less, worth-less, meaning-less, life-less. It's the sexualization of everything, and what a stinking mess it is. I refuse to engage, I refuse to agree, I refuse to accept.

The Barnraising in NYC

2011-09-12T05:35:09Z

It's September 11th, and like many people I have spent the evening watching retrospective documentaries on that terrible day in 2001 (and the days following). As well, I am still thinking of the beautiful scenes from "Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero," the Steven Spielberg-produced documentary that played out over numerous episodes.

In particular, there has been a focus on the memorial, designed by Michael Arad and built by a remarkable group of contractors who consider the work they've done deeply important and personal. KC Fabrications, which built the parapets (panels) of names of the victims that surround the deep pools marking the two building footprints, received survivors into their shop to personally press the button on the computer that guided the cutouts of their loved ones' names, and to be the first to touch the completed inscription. One of the installers spoke on camera, struggling to keep from weeping. "I'd do this for free," he said. KC, along with the other dedicated contractors, worked a relentless schedule in order to have the memorial ready for today's ceremony and opening.

It struck me as I watched the backbreaking work these often sleep-deprived men and women put into their efforts that this is our generation's version of a barnraising. A community came together to pound together the frame and pull into place the walls that would make a neighbor's new barn, sharing a meal to celebrate the day's results and camaraderie. All of the workers on the WTC site have been putting in extraordinary hours and energy, and have shared meals provided by leaseholder Larry Silverstein.

Not all of the workers know each other, but there is a shared understanding of the significance of what they are doing. A number of them are the sons of fathers who worked on the original towers, and they feel they are carrying on a legacy. They have laid the foundation, are constructing the floors, pouring the concrete, readying the plumbing, and putting into place the new walls of what are already proving to be magnificent structures. All of them consider their contribution to this project something they are doing for the victims, for the survivors, for the families of the survivors, for the city of New York, and for their country. A barnraising is a glorious sight to see.

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.

Using LinkedIn as a job search tool?

2011-09-02T16:54:01Z

I'm doing a project for an organization that involves some major time on LinkedIn, and it has been an eye-opener. What people put on LinkedIn (and any other social or business networking site) is often a step back in self-comprehension. Folks, just as your clothing and demeanor tells people what you're about and how you expect to be treated, your profile on sites such as LinkedIn sends a message. What do you want that message to be? Do you really want to put that picture of your dog in place as your profile photograph? Do you want that image of you half-clothed on your boat last summer to be the identifier of your professional capabilities? By the same token, the dull headshot that looks like nothing less than a mug shot after a drunken driving arrest is not great presentation, either.

As well, when you put the bare minimum of information about yourself on LinkedIn, you relegate yourself to the thousands of boring, lifeless profiles that tell a potential employer very little about what you have to offer. To top it off, I'm astonished at how many people will note, "Contact me by email!" and provide no visible email address.

Make LinkedIn work for you. Consider these important features:

1. Get a nice, upbeat, professional photograph taken for your profile. No investment required--we all know the great product today's cameras produce. Put on a suit jacket and have a friend take a well-lit photo of you against a neutral background. Women, get to your stylist and update your hairstyle. Wear a little makeup, if for nothing else than photographic purposes. Smile, for God's sake. Get an image consultant (or friend who really has some style) to help you project the look of an upbeat, youthful, friendly person--not a angry old grandfather ready for a nap. If you are looking for a job, this is not the time for the picture of you coaching the girls' soccer team, or lounging with your children, or vacationing in Hawaii with your boyfriend.

2. Write a strong value proposition for your intro. If you aren't using LinkedIn for your job search toolbox, just entering your title and position is fine. But if you are, write something that stands out and tells a potential employer what you have to give them, such as one of my friends wrote: "Senior administration officer skilled at aligning business strategy and talent." You can even have a little fun with it to make it interesting. If you can't write, find a friend or colleague who can and who will be happy to help you. Put your personality into it! Share your strengths and talents.

3. Use the categories to expand upon your work, skills, and talents. Nothing in LinkedIn prevents you from writing a lot of interesting detail about what you've done and what you're doing and how you came to be so brilliant. Write something worth reading for the "Summary," and put some meat in your descriptions under "Experience." Note articles you've written or projects to which you've contributed. In the "Interests" box under "Additional Information," write even more about yourself and what you've done and what specific things you have to bring to a company. Stand out! Write of yourself confidently. Tell people your strengths, your character, the talents you've honed and how you've put them to use.

4. Maintain your information. Those of you who have changed jobs--please update your company website addresses! And take note: your personal website is different from your company website. There are a lot of great sites on which you can create a clean and easy personal website with your resume and all the relevant information you want an employer to know, so do that, but don't note your company website as your personal site. As well, don't insert as your personal website something you like, such as the fan site for Lady Gaga. Seriously--personal website links have directed me to pages that are clearly sexual in nature, or something in a foreign language that looks pretty scary. Do you really want to tell your possible employer contacts that you hand out free needles to drug addicts? If you're looking for a job in public health, maybe. If not, why broadcast that right off the bat? As well, if you are entering a link for a blog, make it a link for a blog. (Enough said?)

5. Note your email address somewhere. You are seeking to be contacted, right? Don't make the recruiter send you a message through LinkedIn. It's like adding another layer of non-contact. You're not some clandestine agent. Get yourself a free email address through Gmail or Yahoo or some other service if you don't want to list your longtime personal email address. Make it easy for people to contact you! Put your address right up there in your introduction or in your summary; if not in those spots, then certainly in the "Contact me for" box.

6. Proper spelling and punctuation, please. Can this be said enough? Spell properly. Punctuate properly. Put apostrophes in the right place. Show recruiters you can put a sentence together. Again, surely you must have a friend who writes well; ask them to proofread. When an employer has 400 people to search through, he or she will dump a resume or a profile for the smallest reason just to cull some of the volume, and the obvious ones go first. Can't spell--out. Can't write--out. (Also: scary or really dull or ridiculous photo--out. NO PHOTO at all--out.)

Keep this in mind: no employer is going to LinkedIn specifically looking for someone like you; they're going to LinkedIn to verify who you are, particularly if you've noted your LinkedIn address in your correspondence or you've applied for a job through LinkedIn. So show them something worth looking at! Just as with your personal presentation and appearance, leave them saying to themselves, "I want to know more." Consider your message and project it with confidence!

Copyright 2011 by Sue Thompson, all rights reserved.