I cannot remember the name of the comedienne, but a VERY funny woman from Texas I remember hearing many years ago commented on how Texan women could say the rudest things while sounding as though they were delightfully enthusiastic. She demonstrated by placing her hand on her hip and smiling as she exclaimed, in her widest drawl, as though addressing someone she found fascinating, "You are SO fay-at!" 
     I've grown up with the "you are so fat" refrain in my head, and not in the funny, unconsciously rude manner this performer parodied. No, in my life it was my mother's semi-constant whine: "Oh, HONEY," she'd say in exasperation and something between disgust and frustration, "you are so FAT." I can remember her saying this to me when I was, oh, 9 years old—maybe 8. "Look at you! You're so FAT." The emphasis would always be on that contemptible word, fat, as though it represented the sum total of all that could be wrong with life.
     I heard it so often throughout my days I can't shake it, even though my mother has been gone for 15 years. A few years ago, I was finally able to lose 80 pounds, and while I know that I weigh far less than I've ever weighed in my adult life (in fact, I've never been this weight, not since I was about 12), I can feel the dark evil of a state of FAT the moment a few pounds creeps up. It can be the source of a terrible self-loathing that keeps me from looking in mirrors, that has me gauging the rolls on my midsection by touch and deciphering how much I weigh without getting on a scale (because I wouldn't be able to handle what I saw) but by pulling on different pairs of jeans that tell me where I fall in my fluctuating weight spectrum. It can have me sobbing when feeling exercise clothes a bit too tight or heading for a nap to escape the deep depression of worthlessness.
     The sad-but-true fact is that even though I wear a size 4, and struggle without end to prevent myself from sliding into a size 6, I feel FAT. I know cognitively this is ridiculous, foolish, downright clinically worrisome, but I can feel like an enormous cow, like I used to at any point in my life where my mother's words would rise up and anoint me a failure because even though I could have lasting friendships and a love for learning, even though I might excel at public speaking and have a gloriously satisfying marriage, I was still . . . so . . . FAT. Today, I can stand in front of a mirror and see that I look pretty good . . . well, I look kind of good, but when I walk away, that internal image, forged in the misfit-y inadequacies and self-consciousness of childhood, projects itself brightly and I feel huge, as big as when I weighed greater than 200 pounds. I turn sideways down aisles and try on clothes that I am certain are way too small until I pull them over my head and look in the mirror with astonishment at their perfect fit. I see the reflection and say with surprise and relief, "Oh! You look okay after all!"
     It's a real curse, one passed on to me by a mother obsessed with weight. I don't know why, precisely; she was rail thin when she was young and hated it, was mocked by schoolmates. In the years prior to her death, she grew quite large herself due to medications and a completely undisciplined diet. But she could never comment on my looks with pure, unfeigned appreciation. She'd always add, "If only you weren't so FAT." She couldn't believe my husband wanted to marry me. She couldn't understand why people liked me so much. "Really? The audience thought you were good? Did anyone comment on your weight?"
     She didn't mean to do it. It was some sort of fear she had about how things would go for me if I had certain obstacles. What's interesting is that when I look back at photos of myself at 8, 10, 14 years old—I looked just fine. I don't see FAT there at all; just a girl. Who was she comparing me to?
     I'd love to be free of it. I don't know how to rid myself of it. I've totally forgiven my mom for what I know was something she thought she was doing out of love, but I can't begin to tell you how it overwhelms me with grief during times when I need all the internal resources I can muster. Should she have talked to me about my weight? Of course! But to link my worth and my talents to the size on the label has hobbled me. When I'm battling with my reluctant body and the pounds are creeping up, I practically need medication to prevent a breakdown. Honestly, sometimes it wears me out. One thing I know for sure is that parents can pass on messages that will lodge in an interior crawlspace in the brain and never be flushed out. Consider what you're communicating in your words and in what you're modeling.

Two books that appeal to me greatly (for obvious reasons) are Tim Gunn's Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons for Making it Work, and Clinton Kelly's Freakin Fabulous: How to Dress, Speak, Behave, Eat, Drink, Entertain, Decorate, and Generally Be Better than Everyone Else. Both are insanely funny, and I find funny people to be super-smart, and they are both made crazy by the complete lack of concern in today's American society for civility, decorum, deportment, respect, speaking well, managing perceptions, simple good manners, and . . . caring. Caring about things that used to matter, such as the aforementioned list. Caring for what's missing. I call it character, although the outward appearance of character is easy to fake. The thing is: if you don't have it, please, go ahead and fake it. It just makes social interaction more pleasant all the way around. If you don't even know how to fake it well, these books will help.
 

     I don't care how much you detest someone's life choices, or what you think of their clothing, or if you can't stand their table manners. For goodness' sake, be respectful. You can keep your thoughts to yourself. You can maintain an attitude of respect even if someone doesn't smell good. You can be kind to someone who's lifestyle you find odious.
     What is it with people who feel they have to express their personal feelings about someone's stuff? Since when is that required? Jerks who are rude to women in hijabs, who recoil from those who differ in politics, who act like smokers or gays or the obese are beneath simple human courtesy are just a scourge on this society, and the most glaring indication of a culture without conscience.
      I don't deny that some people can really push my buttons, especially when they press themselves on me and demand I not only accept and celebrate their choices, but love them for it. For me, whether or not I love you is not going to have anything to do with your actions; it's a decision I make. But here's the thing: even if I decide not to love you, I can still be respectful in simple interactions. That's my goal. I acknowledge I'm not always successful, but it is my goal.
     A room full of left-wingers and right-wingers can treat each other courteously. It is possible. It is entirely doable for people who have strong personal feelings about homosexuality to work companionably with gay men and women, because there's no requirement that we wear our opinions like a big sign for everyone to read. Get over your need to establish with others where you stand on the way they think or live. I won't turn up my nose at your excessive eating habits if you'll keep quiet about how much you hate Christians. Let's just treat each other with civility. That's how civilizations of different kinds of people have always thrived.

Just seen on Facebook: "Never email anyone anything you wouldn't want your mother to see. Never email anything with content about a third party you wouldn't want that third party to read. What happens on the Internet stays . . . "

I will add: Never post anything anywhere you wouldn't want someone—anyone—to see or read, whether an enemy, an employer, a potential client, an old friend, a coworker. Stop posting rabid political opinions on social networking sites if someone important to you who holds opposing views might see it and think twice about you in some significant capacity. (Is it really absolutely necessary that everyone know your political views at any given moment?) Don't post a stupid party photo of yourself on LinkedIn, where employers check out your professional qualifications; as well, don't insert your favorite blog or fan site or Facebook page as your "Personal Website" on LinkedIn.

Don't engage with idiots in the idiotic, I-have-too-much-time-on-my-hands-and-spend-all-my-hours-commenting-on-blog-posts, quarreling, inane fighting comments on a blog. Don't get drunk and cuss out your family members on Facebook; even in writing, it's obvious you're plastered. As well, don't start a family or friend feud on FB—why on earth do you want everyone to see your sad, childlike, unaware, impaired baiting of perceived enemies for whom most of your list of friends care not one little bit?

An aphorism widely attributed to Abraham Lincoln, but which was more likely Samuel Butler: "Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." Force yourself to stop and wait before you hit "enter." Give it an hour, or maybe a day. How about just disciplining yourself not to send a nasty response or start an incendiary thread? Be wise. It's so rare these days.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and as we talked about the things of which I speak to audiences and the issues that ignite my passions, he remarked that while he agreed wholeheartedly with what I was saying, as a business executive, a "black-and-white-guy," he had to ask himself if what I had to offer was worth paying for. I responded that the black-and-white considerations occur when character fails on the job so spectacularly that it gets a company sued. "The first time your controller gets stupid drunk at a company function and dances on the banquet table while making insulting sexual comments to your female clients, you will suddenly find the kind of training I do and the question I encourage people to address is suddenly very important indeed," I said. That  question is: does character matter? And here are more relevant questions: does respect for others keep a company running? Does a workforce that knows its worth, understands each other's personalities, can adjust to meet clients and customers individually, and manages with integrity as a high priority make money or lose it? Do people who know how to act professionally and with a perspective of what is right and wrong and appropriate build a company or tear it down? All it takes is one egregious, uncivil incident to destroy an organization's reputation and send it to the poorhouse with legal costs that could have been avoided if someone in charge had realized that, oh yes, this is a black-and-white issue.

I care about this stuff, and it matters. The way we present ourselves matters, not just in outward appearances, but from the inside, where we make decisions to behave according to moral and ethical principles or not. How we "see" each other and respond to the specifics of personality and expression can make all the difference in the way executives, supervisors, and even the lowliest line workers interact with one another. Morale can be fabulous or it can be crap. Employees can stay for years, engaged and excited, or they can stay for years angry, bored, and sabotaging all success, or they can just leave in droves, costing enormous amounts in hiring and training.

This executive went on in our conversation to tell me of the owners of his company, who routinely get sloshed at functions and encourage the female employees to dress something like the servers at Hooters—and this is a firm that supplies products to corporate offices. "If the guys at the top won't get on board with it," he said, "it will never stick." And while that is certainly true, it's also true that, as with his division, any true leader who cares about this stuff can affect his or her corner of the organization. He leads his team with the utmost civility, encourages them to be the most professional in the company, and teaches his staff to treat customers and coworkers with respect. (I suspect his career in the military has much to do with the way he expresses his values.) He and his staff are highly respected and clearly out ahead of much of the rest of the organization. He obviously considers it a black-and-white thing, even if he doesn't consciously see the immediate value.

I told my husband of my lunch with my executive friend, and how I felt that I am somehow not able to show people that what I've got to say, train, and coach others in can save them dollars and increase their value, their ability to interact intelligently and professionally, and thus create a reputation of quality. I need to find some other work to bring in funds for a while, because I feel like I need to work more to refine and clarify how I position myself. We discussed the economy and how people don't want to spend money on "soft" issues during tough times, but my wise husband commented, "Remember this: part of the reason could be that you are talking about character in a world that doesn't care much about it at all."

Is that true? Maybe. I think lots of people care but think it can't be taught or reinforced or encouraged. I believe it can. I think it's more than just opinion or cultural context or back-in-the-day-when-we-were-taught-differently. I think it can be concrete and verifiable as adding to what makes people live thoughtfully and well, to what makes organizations run beautifully and adds loads to the bottom line. I agree with Neal Mayerson, the director of the VIA Institute on Character, when he says, "The time has come to dedicate a serious scientific effort to map the complex terrain of human character—those aspects of human personality that account for us being our best selves and living our best lives." Read his further comments here at a Discovery blog, and pardon me while I start looking for work to subsidize my passion.

Download | Duration: 00:00:58

 
I recorded some of the many stories my 92 year-old uncle, a true West Virginia mountain man, has inside of him while visiting family over the Thanksgiving holiday. When I asked him some of the things he and his friends did for entertainment, he mentioned going to church—specifically, to see the "holy rollers."

"Tell me about it!" I said, and he drew back, responding, "Oh no—it's nasty." I asked him why, and he said it was filled with sex—and upon further inquiry, he revealed that he and his friends went to see the women go into vigorous, ecstatic swoons that threw their dresses up over their heads.

If you grew up in a tongues-talking church, you'll know why he can still "quote" the words the faithful used over and over. Click to hear what he heard when they spoke in tongues. 

"Greek philosophy had failed at the point of producing people of practical power and wisdom who could govern and be governed. It simply had no workable answer to the question of how this could be done. The same inability of classical civilization to produce sufficient people capable of serving as the foundation of good government destroyed the Roman Empire. Early in human development, races of people are sufficiently under the duress of real needs to exalt the virtues that can make them strong. But after they become strong they have no sustaining principle that will allow the further development of virtue to maintain their society. They lack the tension adequate to maintain character in their citizens. No stable society can, therefore, be long maintained if it is prosperous. A transcendental principle and tension is
lacking . . .

"It is all very well to speak, with Thomas Jefferson, of 'an aristocracy of virtue and talent' that can serve as the backbone of a society and make decent and free government possible. It is quite another to produce such people in sufficient number."

Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines

Download | Duration: 00:01:03

  
Traci Lynn, the founder and president of Traci Lynn Jewelry and an entrepreneur with an inner fire to achieve, provides an interesting bit of information about the beginnings of her corporate career when she worked for Vanguard as an investment advisor. I was interviewing her for my "Your Character is Showing" series, and we were discussing the strengths that have motivated her. She had the drive and the talent to succeed at Vanguard, but someone took her aside to tell her she didn't look the part, and it made all the difference.

Download | Duration: 00:03:05

You're going to be judged on your appearance, the way you express your personality, your use of language, your manners—especially when you're being interviewed for a job or you're seeking a promotion. Anytime you want something from someone, you've got to adjust to their perceptions.  Don't fight what comes naturally to human beings—work with it. Give a listen to how I explained this to a group of job seekers.

     I wrote in my most recent newsletter that Steve Jobs was a horrible man. I acknowledge that he was a complex person with what were surely likeable qualities, and there were people who worked with him and for him who sincerely loved him, not the least because he forced them to "think different." Being a veritable bundle of contradictions seems par for the course for a lot of geniuses. It's not required, but when you know you're something special and you run with that to the exclusion of all else, your failings and inconsistencies are going to be glaringly identifiable.
     But I contend Jobs was a horrible, character-less person. Walter Isaacson's biography details some of his horribleness, while showcasing the obvious stratospheric talents and leadership that gave the world such original, ingenious gifts.
     My comment offended someone who angrily wrote me that the flaws of which I wrote were "gossip" and that I was mean-spirited. Okay. Whatever. But here's the thing: we worship success in this culture. We think that being genius-level innovative, creative, and visionary cancels out the need for any attention to the deeper human issues, or that being the kind of leader who gets things done (whether or not people like the things that are done) should demand that we disregard that person is one who would walk away from a drowning victim without calling the police, treat women like sex toys, and help a relative avoid a rape conviction (yeah, that would be Ted Kennedy). Once they're dead, they're feted as though no one else on the planet was as smart, as astonishing, as valuable to humanity as they. Yes, this is true of countless numbers of people—again, I get that humans are complex. Horrible people can do marvelous things. I hear John Gotti was a wonderful family man.
     But we act like no one else would ever have come up with the ideas or plans these men and women accomplished. I fully agree they're one of a kind, fascinating (sometimes morbidly), complicated. Perhaps in some cases, I'll be tempted to join in singing their praises in spite of their dearth of integrity, but I hope not. There are plenty of gifted, astonishingly brilliant people who know how to treat others, who exhibit an adherence to moral and ethical principles and the values of kindness and generosity.
    In 1940, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, no slouch in the visionary and genius department, wrote: "The world will allow itself to be subdued only by success. It is not ideas or opinions which decide, but deeds. Success alone justifies wrongs done . . . With a frankness and off-handedness which no other earthly power could permit itself, history appeals in its own cause to the dictum that the end justifies the means." Bonhoeffer, who was executed for his role in the plot to kill Hitler, followed a deep, personal belief that the road to the ends will most certainly be judged by the means. In fact, the ends may mean nothing at all because of the means by which they were accomplished.
     So I stand by my remarks in my newsletter. I don't want to work for people like Steve Jobs. If I have a choice, I want to avoid men and women who behave as he did. I'm sure there's an app that will help me do that.